The Inner Child

THE STUBBORN AND REBELLIOUS ONE

The ego is an identity of our own construction which states our beliefs and abilities. And just as a small child will seek solace to diminish fears, our anxieties expressed through the inner voice, will manifest attachments to the ego, which given the power to dictate who we are, create emotional turmoil in our lives.

We build up our ego from birth. It is implanted within us by our mother/care givers, our peers and society. We have a need to fit in and conform with those around us. It's a process of finding the right way and it's not easy to accomplish. That's why we all struggle with our ego and are prone to inner conflict when we follow our false centre rather than become more attuned to our truer self.

Through ongoing skilful and compassionate mindfulness, understanding where our strengths lie and our weaknesses hide, we can live a meaningful existence in harmony, without being controlled by the ego. We hold on to the ego too firmly, allowing it to take over in many aspects of our lives, especially when we come up against another's ego and their ever-controlling needs. How do we manage and adapt our ego so we're better equipped for dealing with the ego-centric world around us?

There are many tools and studies that help highlight our characteristics, preferences and personality 'types'. There are tests that can be taken online, books to be read and a past for us to delve into where we can identify why we are the people we are now, how we got there and if this adult we've become is the best we can be.

Adult Life - Like A Playground
A fascinating programme on Channel 4 called: The secret lives of 4,5,6 year old's offers us a great insight into a child's growth over a two week period, where we observe their ability to fit within a group and form friendships. Playing at Big Brother, we can see these little people in their early stages of development, witnessing their struggles to comprehend the complex interplay of relationships. In them, we in turn can all recognise the issues we had to face as children, and as adults, have either become more successful at dealing with over time or are still wrestling with these same complex issues. This dilemma, will either be through our lack of applied learning or an inability for us to even recognise and take better control of these traits in ourselves.

Taking A View From Third Person Perspective
I could see patterns in a few of these children that resonated with me - and issues that maybe weren't addressed as well at the time or have become so ingrained into my personality, that I need to give more focus now as an adult in order to better understand myself and improve how I interact with other people. In effect, sefl-observations like this process followed over an extended timeframe, make my ego more flexible/adaptable, to better fit in with the needs of others.

From just watching a few minutes of this TV show, I began to identify with situations some of the kids were going through. The show made me laugh at times but I felt uncomfortable and even quite sad at other points in the show. I really felt for these kids and rooted for them to find the right answers to make them happy. Some of the traits they have and are dealing with – are traits I still carry with me to this day and will be the same for many others still living out their childhood. For example:

- I remember not wanting to be in a group and feeling uncomfortable doing things that I did not already know about or had checked out myself first beforehand and knew them to be okay.
I am very independent, still hold back from groups and will quickly revert to doing my own thing.
- I was an introverted and imaginative child. I preferred to play alone with Lego, creating symmetrical and complex structures. I would fight anyone who tried to take Lego pieces and refused to share them with other kids.
I still conceive solitary ideas, making my own designs and developing concepts which I then struggle to share – and find it difficult when taking suggestions/input/criticism from others.
- I can join in, but on my own terms and still struggle to play along to someone else's rules.
I will always have an out – and prefer to do it my way (which is always the best way in my opinion).
- I lack compassion and struggle to show empathy towards others, as I prefer solitary play.
I will back away from emotional situations/confrontations and find it difficult to identify with my own emotions. I lack the ability to catch feelings & emotions before they attach themselves to a situation and develop into a mood or physical manifestations.
- I'm fiercely competitive - and will get an edge any way I can.
I always follow a pre-thought-out plan and maintain a cunning mindset in order to beat the system and anybody who gets in my way with everything I do - this permeates through every waking moment - even down to trivialities like how I get a privileged position on the tube in the rush hour.
- I have boundless energy, will play hard with others and fight back when encountering an equal.
I grew up on a council estate, I've fought bullies and learned to fight back from an early age so as not to let anyone take advantage of me. This has created someone who can't let go easily. But I do manage to command respect and will give it back to those who show it to me.

Personality Types
As well as recognising these above character traits, just from seeing parallels in some of the situations the kids experienced on the TV show - I also have the Myers Briggs model to measure against, showing preferences towards: INTJ, INTP, ENTJ or ENTP - depending on the day and with whom I take the test with.

In a team situation, according to Meredith Belbin, I also have a Completer-Finisher mindset. This makes me a taskmaster both to myself and directed at colleagues, rendering me unwilling to delegate or take criticism from others, at times appearing absent-minded or having a lack of concern about taking breaks or letting-up on pressure for the rest of the team to achieve goals I've set.

According to another set of personality studies, I also fit a type 'A' personality profile, which means I'm all kinds of bad, including; lacking in compassion, über-competitive and always trying to fit too much in, hence prone to stress, bouts of hostility and potentially an early death, through stress-related issues like high blood pressure! On top of this, I have a sense of duty and a fear of failure - meaning I feel the need to look out for others, fighting additional battles to sort things out and taking on extra responsibilities - leaving me depleted and socially withdrawn.

If we want to go even further, another ancient system for personality identification, is the Enneagram of Personality model. There are different schools of thought among Enneagram teachers and so their ideas on some of the theoretical aspects of this system are not always in agreement and the theories are therefore open to interpretation. However, I seem to be strongly aligned to number '8' 'The Challenger'. This has a bizarrely accurate resonance with me - and therein contains the potential for both heroic acts at it's peak and sociopathic traits at the lowest level!

The Rebellious Type - First Born
Birth order affects the outcome of personality too. I'm the first born. This would have been a stressful situation for my parents as they learned to be parents, and stressful for me to find my way. At 4 1/2, my brother's birth would have been a shock and a downgrading of my position as the sole child. This would have had many levels of psychological impact on me and my position in the family. Frank Sulloway, author of Born to Rebel states: A real rebel doesn't only have problems with authority figures (like boss, teacher, parents, police). A real rebel has problems with everyone, including his or her lover, friends and strangers. And a real rebel also has trouble with himself, which expresses itself as self-destruction.

Not Looking Good - Or Is It?
So I'm a stubborn, introverted rebel, lacking in compassion or empathy. OR, I learn to explore the other side of my psyche - investing more energy and time in the parts of my personality that are lesser-known or utilised and through dedicated and focused practice, make concerted efforts to build a more robust and balanced personality and more flexible ego for better dealing, not only with myself but for interacting with the world around me. This is something we could all do more of. Habits can be unlearned and virtues can be practised. 

This point marks a breakthrough date along a focussed path of self-discovery. It's taken me 339 days to get here and I'm now better equipped to continue my journey with a clearer view on the horizon of where I choose to go next.