Maturity

GROWING UP

Developing into mature adults takes longer for some people than others. This is especially true of children who are left to take care of sickly parents. This can mean some are prematurely advanced to adopt a level of maturity whereas some of us who never really have to adopt this responsibility, don't achieve a level of maturity even after becoming parents ourselves.

Age doesn't really come into it, but reaching my 40's has meant for me, I'm finally starting to mature. Growing up and being a mature adult doesn't necessarily require us to be responsible for others, but does require a deeper understanding of ourselves for better understanding other people. This is where maturity starts to grow.

Little things like being more mindful of how we impact each other, like always being punctual and addressing our bad habits etc. can be the first stages for reaching maturity. The bigger changes will occur as we become more more flexible in our thinking and willingness to accept other people and their ways of doing things. Self knowing is the best gift we can give to humanity.

Shirking Responsibilities

HOT POTATO

In yoga they teach us how to avoid getting caught up in the emotions and sways of everyday life. It's difficult to remove ourselves from the day to day roller coaster, especially when we're caught up in the rush hour, stressed through delayed/cancelled public transport or crushed with someone's armpit in our faces - the things that are mostly out of our control. That's why it's important to practise methods for detaching ourselves to the negative things that potentially harm us and deplete our energy.

I get the impression that yogis don't negotiate their way on public transport in rush hour that much and I don't think they spend much time in office environments either. Maybe that's why they chose being a yoga instructor over an office based career, because they wanted to detach themselves from that daily assault that most of us have to put ourselves through...

So, if we can endure the daily commute during rush hour without getting affected, we are already using avoidance techniques. It's these methods that we can also employ for use in other situations too. One of the big stresses in our lives is work and that's where we need to find our best methods for detachment away from stress created and multiplied by others involved in the projects we collectively work on.

One of these techniques for detachment used by certain individuals in the work place, I call the hot potato. This is essentially where someone shirks their responsibilities by diverting the work onto their colleagues. This is not a helpful technique for those on the receiving end and arguably one of the greatest stresses we'll encounter - especially with those really hot potatoes!

It's a bit like the game of pass-the-parcel from nursery school. But instead of a toy in wrapping paper, imagine a hot ball of energy, that we all carefully take turns with. As we pass on hand to hand, each turn partially diffuses the heat as we all take our role holding it. Now picture when one person essentially bats it on to the next recipient without skimming some of the accumulated energy. Without energy being dissipated through the group's collective responsibilities, the energy ball grows hotter as it gains greater momentum. This creates an energy 'spike' and a potentially stressful situation for the following person/people to try and manage. More energy is used up and because the recipient wasn't prepared - their energy reserves are tapped into and depleted.

I witnessed this phenomena first hand in a group where I was working yesterday. One person's role was compromised, likely because they are now leaving their job for a new one. They had shirked their responsibilities and taken a day off without taking enough care to ensure their part within the team had been completed or covered with extra resources. This obviously affected the next two people further along in the chain. But everyone in this collective was affected to a degree as the stress-bomb hot potato takes it's toll on all that are close to it.

Some people can help avert a stress-bomb like this - whereas others will just pass on the potato making it even hotter. It's important to have advance awareness of these types of stress situations and know the people that potentially cause them. Because recognising when this situation arises and averting the damage caused well before the hot potato comes hurtling our way, will be one of the greatest stress avoidance techniques we'll master in life.

Fun Allowances

KEEPING THE FUN TIMES IN CHECK

The Summer is a special time. It's an opportunity to venture outside more when the days are longer and brighter, to share experiences with our family and friends. 

This year, I've made a pact with myself to mindfully focus on making changes to my life. The years are rolling by and for the most part, I seem to have been living on autopilot. For sure there's been a lot of fun having a lot of fun, but now's the time to make better decisions to really make something of the coming years.

Whoever said you can never have too much fun, doesn't know how to really push it...because having fun can be tiring. And having so much fun that your brain is numb from the excessive partying, means the fun stops. And if you have some work priorities to deal with, this means the responsibilities fall by the wayside. August 17th is my other halve's birthday and it's always a lot of fun - but it starts beginning August and goes on for the whole month. So, August is always a measure of the fun levels. Right now I'm tipping on the burnout scales. Fun is costly too, so I think August is one of the most expensive months of the year for me. I'm now going to need a frugal few months just to get back in good financial health!

Next year is my girlfriend's 40. That means an even bigger celebration. So rather than start the summer in May, I'll look at having just a 1-3 month Summer of fun and use the time better for something constructive instead. That may entail taking on some project that needs full attention and commitment to keep me out of trouble but that will be my new quest going forward

Coming Of Age

GROWING PAINS

Today I'm reminded of how difficult the transition from being a boy to becoming a man really is. The teen years are some of the toughest moments in our life. As it's when we make the decisions that shape us into the adults we then become and being a mentor to a young boy or girl to help them make the transition is a position of great responsibility which can be very rewarding when it goes well. 

Playing The Game
There's a lot of conflict with our teachers, parents and peers as some of the bad decisions being made steer us towards dangerous or illegal and stupid acts. It's at these times that we learn how to deal with conflict, take responsibility for our actions and earn the respect of adults for making the tough move from being a protected child to a self-sufficient adult.

We're all still the child inside and although it may seem like a long way off, we are all still capable of being in that same child state, making the same stupid decisions and getting into trouble. Becoming an adult is all about learning how to play the game of life for our advantage without hurting others or getting into trouble. Some never learn how to do this.

We forget that there's only a few key life skills separating us from being that 13 year old kid so when we're confronted with someone going through that same tricky transition we've already passed through successfully, we may be a little forgetful of how tricky and sometimes painful it was and just need to be aware that it's not actually much of a difference between us man and boy. We have to try and remember that we made mistakes too - a lot of mistakes.

I don't ever recall being told that the teenage years are a tricky period that I've got to work out for myself - I just remember the chiding when I got it wrong. Dealing with young adults at this hormone-rich and growth spurt period can be really tough - so it pays to get some tips on how best to deal with these changelings so it doesn't end up being a shouting match between two raging adolescents.

Behind The Mask

KNOWING WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

We place great significance on the tasks we perform daily. The actions we take are used as a gauge for determining our happiness and success. Small wins and easily fixed problems are like little boosters for our soul. They bring meaning and purpose to our lives.

Dealing with minor 'problems', leads us to believe we're being useful in some way. They come to define us. By becoming the 'solutions' finder, we feel important...necessary. If we can identify/fix these problems, and in the process, shift blame to take responsibility for someone else's alleged failings, it helps us feel like we're really tackling what life throws our way. In the process, we offload some pent-up frustration as we continue to divert our nagging attention away from the bigger issues.

Often, far higher levels of importance are placed on these adopted menial problems to better prioritise above and/or mask the real issues at heart. They get actioned first, when in fact they should feature way down the list or hold no significance at all.

Acknowledging what's really important in our lives and placing them near the top on the to-do list, will often uncover masked feelings of frustration and fear. These suppressed emotions keep us from facing life's realities and ultimately stop us from being our truer selves. The challenges can be tough - hence why we tend to sweat the small stuff instead.

Many people place far too much importance on the trivial. They build up strong fixed ideas of right and wrong. These fixations help distract their minds away from what they really should be thinking about ie. what's really important in their lives. The stronger the fixations, the more they are hiding the truth from themselves. Deep down, they are unhappy.

Focussing on the niggles & gripes or little wins & losses, may appear to be an easier mental state to be in. Stressing about the trivial rather than focussing on relationship health, personal growth, physical wellbeing and job/financial satisfaction, can be much easier to deal with in the short term. Busying ourselves with small stuff leaves little or no time to address the much needed life management.

Burden Management
Filling our days with distractions, will help hide the truth from us. It could be said that having children also moves focus away from the self. Having kids can nicely tie up the mind for 20+ years. It's possibly why so many chose to have them when their relationship is starting to wane, only later opting to separate when looking after children ceases to be such a strong distraction.

So having no children and fewer worries to tie up the brain, allows much more time to look inward. This makes for an uncomfortable mindset. It can feel like a heavy sack weighing you down. But, being mindful of this sack is far better than denying it's there. Acknowledging what we're carrying, stripping away what we don't need and managing the weight as best as we can - this will bring happiness. Because, if we allow it to happen, this baggage will become heavier over time and eventually wear us down - it will stop us from moving forward. This is where depression is rooted. 

Lose the Mask

It's when we come up against people with such strong fixated ideas of right and wrong, obsessive attributes on matters like overly-strict time keeping or having strong emotional reactions to seemingly menial concerns, that we should be aware of possible underlined deep rooted issues placed at the heart of these controlling behaviours. 

If we allow it, we can become these broken people. We need to face our demons to overcome them and not just block them out with trivia or create fixations on nonsense. These monsters break through at our lowest ebb, like when we're tired, numbed from too much alcohol or later in life when the burden of carrying the load becomes too much to take. Don't allow these gremlins to grow - be brave and start today. Drop the meaningless and focus on what's important instead. 

Punctuality

CLOCK WATCHING

Being mindful of the time can mean a lot. Want to do well at work? Be punctual. Because, just being on time is all that some people will ever ask of you.

Being on time, sends out the message of professionalism and respect. Punctuality means consideration for others' needs will be met. Precision and attention to details - a consistency for doing hard work and reliability. This will be the message received - all without doing anything other than being somewhere when you say you will be. 

Getting into the habit of being on time, takes nothing more than setting a time and then sticking to it. Yet many cannot keep to something so very simple. This because they have become used to throwing out excuses why they are late. 

Blaming Others

We all do it. If we can shoulder blame elsewhere, we will - especially on our partners. It makes us think we're doing the right thing and someone else isn't, when in fact, the partnership is mutually flawed. Thing is, when timings are mentioned without consideration for factoring in the needs of the other parties involved, we tend to allow time slippage to happen without making prior allowances for it. So, once a time has been agreed, this agreement should also make allowance for some contingency too. That way, unforeseen circumstances can be adjusted for and countered against without the need for blame. The contingency plan means we'll still be on time too.

Removing the Badge

I've been late on many occasions and so has my partner. Without realising it, we've now allowed ourselves to become labelled as those people who are constantly late. It's become expected of us. My partner will blame me and me her. And no matter how hard I now try to be on time, this label has become firmly fixed. Because we are one unit in our friend's eyes, we are both tarred with the same brush and it will take a lot of hard work for us both to remove this slight on our characters.

Consistency is the Key
If I'm to remove my always late badge - I need to first establish clear timings in advance. This starts from the moment I wake up. Deciding the night before on having a clear time to get up plus establishing a mutual & definite morning routine for exercise, eating, ablutions and preparation for the day, means a routine (with some factored-in contingency) can easily be set and adhered to without deviations from the set timings. 

If this structure can be retained over days/weeks - the chances of sticking to it over longer periods of time will be increased and a new focus on sticking to timings will be established. 

Definite Timings

Agreement in advance is paramount for keeping good timings. We now have shared diaries for collaborative events. Timings are there for all to see. So if they aren't working, this needs to be addressed. If timings cannot be mutually kept, then individual times need to be established. If only one member of the partnership is on time, it's still a late blip in the eyes of the third party. So agree definite times even if they are staggered and be clear with whoever is meeting up that these are agreeable for all. 

I pledge to always be on time (from today)

Be serious about this new pledge to make it stick. I've now told myself that the new regime will be started from today. This has also been agreed with all parties concerned (namely, my partner). And just like a business contract, this will be continually assessed to ensure punctuality is adhered to from this day onwards. 

Taking Responsibility

SELF MANAGEMENT

Question: Why do we need to be told what to do all the time? Answer: Because we are lazy with ourselves. Unless we have some authoritarian watching over us all the time, we skip class, take shortcuts, knock of early, slouch on the couch and procrastinate. Sometimes the watchful eye comes from parents, teachers, police, managers - and other times from our conscience or inner voice. By forming our tasks and goals into schedules, writing down progress and setting out a plan that can be stuck to, we'll be formulating a task that over time will become habit. The inner voice - your built in sergeant major, will kick you into gear.

Expert Help
I visited a really great physiotherapist in north London yesterday who has given me some exercises to do which should, over the next couple of weeks, start to show some improvements in my flexibility/movement on a damaged elbow & shoulder. I've set up a plan for the times I will follow these exercise routines and I'm confident that my health will improve if I stick to them.

My friend, who recommended this physio - has told me he doesn't do the exercises and this means that he'll take a lot longer to recover and the physio sessions will be tougher and ultimately, he'll pay a lot more than if he helped himself. The bottom line is that we must take responsibility for our health and be the tough authoritarian when we need to get things done in order to better ourselves.