Behind The Mask

KNOWING WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

We place great significance on the tasks we perform daily. The actions we take are used as a gauge for determining our happiness and success. Small wins and easily fixed problems are like little boosters for our soul. They bring meaning and purpose to our lives.

Dealing with minor 'problems', leads us to believe we're being useful in some way. They come to define us. By becoming the 'solutions' finder, we feel important...necessary. If we can identify/fix these problems, and in the process, shift blame to take responsibility for someone else's alleged failings, it helps us feel like we're really tackling what life throws our way. In the process, we offload some pent-up frustration as we continue to divert our nagging attention away from the bigger issues.

Often, far higher levels of importance are placed on these adopted menial problems to better prioritise above and/or mask the real issues at heart. They get actioned first, when in fact they should feature way down the list or hold no significance at all.

Acknowledging what's really important in our lives and placing them near the top on the to-do list, will often uncover masked feelings of frustration and fear. These suppressed emotions keep us from facing life's realities and ultimately stop us from being our truer selves. The challenges can be tough - hence why we tend to sweat the small stuff instead.

Many people place far too much importance on the trivial. They build up strong fixed ideas of right and wrong. These fixations help distract their minds away from what they really should be thinking about ie. what's really important in their lives. The stronger the fixations, the more they are hiding the truth from themselves. Deep down, they are unhappy.

Focussing on the niggles & gripes or little wins & losses, may appear to be an easier mental state to be in. Stressing about the trivial rather than focussing on relationship health, personal growth, physical wellbeing and job/financial satisfaction, can be much easier to deal with in the short term. Busying ourselves with small stuff leaves little or no time to address the much needed life management.

Burden Management
Filling our days with distractions, will help hide the truth from us. It could be said that having children also moves focus away from the self. Having kids can nicely tie up the mind for 20+ years. It's possibly why so many chose to have them when their relationship is starting to wane, only later opting to separate when looking after children ceases to be such a strong distraction.

So having no children and fewer worries to tie up the brain, allows much more time to look inward. This makes for an uncomfortable mindset. It can feel like a heavy sack weighing you down. But, being mindful of this sack is far better than denying it's there. Acknowledging what we're carrying, stripping away what we don't need and managing the weight as best as we can - this will bring happiness. Because, if we allow it to happen, this baggage will become heavier over time and eventually wear us down - it will stop us from moving forward. This is where depression is rooted. 

Lose the Mask

It's when we come up against people with such strong fixated ideas of right and wrong, obsessive attributes on matters like overly-strict time keeping or having strong emotional reactions to seemingly menial concerns, that we should be aware of possible underlined deep rooted issues placed at the heart of these controlling behaviours. 

If we allow it, we can become these broken people. We need to face our demons to overcome them and not just block them out with trivia or create fixations on nonsense. These monsters break through at our lowest ebb, like when we're tired, numbed from too much alcohol or later in life when the burden of carrying the load becomes too much to take. Don't allow these gremlins to grow - be brave and start today. Drop the meaningless and focus on what's important instead. 

Being Kind To Yourself

INTERNAL BATTLES

I talked yesterday about the benefits of exercise and how the voice that berates me if I am lazy or weak willed (the same voice telling me to get up at 5am this morning) - can motivate me to get on with doing the tasks that are usually out of my comfort zone. This same voice can at times, turn out to be a bit of a bully and rather than motivate, put me in a state of anxiety.

My colleague and friend, who has been my right hand man at work for 5 years, has finally made the brave move to get another job. He's excited and jubilant after tackling his fears of moving from a fairly well paid and somewhat protected job that he can do well easily but anxious about his capabilities for taking on a new job with greater responsibilities. He hardly slept the night before handing in his notice and he's likely going to have a few more anxious nights over the coming month. He's 29 and doesn't have the same confidence (bordering on arrogance) that I had at that age and possibly hasn't taken the same risks I had by that time to give him a more self confidence. The good thing though, is that he talked to me about his fears yesterday and I was able to give him a bit of a boost and impart some of my wisdom to support his fragile ego to help tackle his fears and self doubt. This is fairly unusual behaviour for guys - especially in the older ones. Because we tend to brush off our problems, internalise them and pretend we're alright when we're clearly not.

Lately, there's been a few instances of men I know, in their mid 30's to early 40's, having a breakdown or worse. It's statistically known as the most depressing time of the year. Two people I knew through work, have taken their own lives in the past two weeks and I've just heard that my tenant tried to take his own life just yesterday. It also turns out, my good friend (I'll call him J) who I met up with recently, has just come back from a dark place too - but he was willing to talk about his feelings with my partner and I and seems to be managing his demons. These are all healthy males, three of them with children and J has considerable financial wealth and seemingly good life & friends.

It's not the rule for everyone - but the internal problems these guys are suffering compared to those very real experiences suffered by the two women I watched in the Happy and Heart films (genocide and facial disfigurement) are completely different cases, but whereas these women have survived and are happy to be alive in the face of adversity, two of these men are dead and a third was luckily rescued from the same fate - by an intuitive woman it turns out... What is going on?! Could these guys have been helped more through talking about their problems - possibly.

I believe men in general need to get in the 21st century. We're out of date and a bit lost - unable to really use our hunter gather or protector skills anymore - and still expected to be emotionally strong and 'dust ourselves off' when the shit goes down. When guys get together, we do not say how much we love each other as friends – there's no nice message in cards on birthdays or emails offering encouragement when there's a new job or going on a first date. We aren't encouraged to cry at a sad film or talk about our fears over a pint. We are generally basic in our needs but we're just as emotionally dependent as females. However, without a clearly defined male role like those of our Khoisan hunter-gatherer cousins from Namibia – and no support, we're at the mercy of our internal voices. I know this because I regularly beat myself up and if you're a guy reading this - you know it too.

Man Up
Or 'grow some balls' - phrases that I use and I've heard women use too as a way to put a 'stiff upper lip' on a tough situation. This is not always possible and in fact, not addressing these issues early could mean they'll come back and haunt you at a later time. If you think you are depressed or know someone that is, reach out to them and offer some support. This is particularly true in relationship matters - often the guy will be expected to 'deal with it', whereas the girls will support one another much better throughout the separation. Often, if you're not in a very positive place, helping others around you - empathising and charitable deeds - can be a way to make you feel better too and give you an appreciation for what you have in life. I'm going to give some money to the first homeless person I see today, call my depressed tenant for a chat and send a message to my somewhat lost friend to offer him some love and encouragement.

Here's a leaflet on men and depression....