Do As I Do

OR DO AS I SAY

People like to go their own way. They may seem to be taking valuable advice, but still not heed it. They don't want to do things my or your way. They would sooner do it their own way - even if it's wrong. They can't trust the fact that we may have had a beneficial learning experience and therefore in a better position to pass that knowledge on. But this is nothing unusual. Trust is a valuable commodity that has to be earned and the art of convincing takes time to learn.

Youngsters, it seems, are know-it-alls by 25. They have little focus and constantly flit around. This is because they can. They're young. They have the luxury of having time on their side to learn from mistakes. But being older doesn't necessarily mean being any the wiser either. Many older people are holding on to the errors made in their earlier years and have become stuck in their ways - stubborn and inflexible to change. They stick to what they know even when it's clearly not paying dividends.

Generally, I'm a lone wolf rather than a team player. I don't blindly take other people's advice, but I do try to find the best way of accomplishing things by following another's advice. I tend to go with what I know best, but ultimately, it's my way or the high way a lot of the time. So it follows that for a lot of the time, I'm alone on my highway. This is a shame, because I believe I've made some marked success in what I do. But it's not always the easy or the conformed way of doing things, so many prefer to take their own conventional route rather than risk relying on me. And it's this questioning of my competence, ability and expertise that I find frustrating. It wears me down and hence why I'm often doing things my own way. There's only so much effort we can put in to convince others to join our way of thinking. But, because I'd really like to give something back to the human race, I'm going to require some patience in order to learn how to best convince others.

Conviction At Work

It takes a multitude of communications skills to win people over. Without these skills, we can fail to convince others of our wants, desires and needs. It's something I've only had a small amount of success with in the past and often been a struggle for me working in the studio as a designer. I will put my best efforts creating something I'm happy with, only to find someone heavily opinionated (not necessarily talented or right), making changes for no real significant gain, possibly compromising the design/idea and/or taking the credit/shirking the blame in the process. They essentially are masters of communication, confidence and conviction. Creative work is always subjective and everyone considers themselves to be a qualified designer or creative on some level. Being a designer, photographer or a writer - the same applies for these professions too. Until you get the credibility, you'll always have to battle to get your opinions heard. We'll never escape the critics and disbelievers - nobody ever does, but through learning the skills of communication to convince others - we'll be heard more of the time.

Training someone for fitness is also just as hard, as people really don't want to listen to the dietary advice or commit to the sessions. The results aren't immediate enough for them and they are quick to give up following our advice. Hence, this is another role where I've become coarse talking on deaf ears. But, at the end of the day, it's because we all think we know best.

Remember The Mentors

There are always going to be others with more experience and skill than us. We need to know who these people are and when to listen to them. I have spent almost a year investigating better ways to improve myself. These newfound ideas are not my own, I have learned them from others. They are easy to discover on your own, but why not look at someone who has discovered them already? My skills for convincing you to believe in me are currently lacking. I will write a book in 2016. I'll give it my best shot and pour my heart & soul into it. I've never written a book before and it might not be any good. But without my powers of communication and confidence, how will my discovered and shared ideas be followed and appreciated?

Humility & Confidence
So it pays to take advice from someone who really knows what they are doing. But we don't like information being force fed to us. Without having some humility - the art of being humble - we could be seen as too arrogant or self-obsessed. Being able to recognise the value, opinions and guidance from a teacher/elder & wiser person - that's the only time when I do as others say. So, we all need to better learn how to give the time, respect, to listen & learn from others, in order to learn how we can make these improvements in ourselves for passing on our own teachings.

Not Good Enough

UNDERESTIMATING OURSELVES

Some people have an over-inflated perception of their abilities. They are usually the ones who speak up the most in meetings, talking over the top of others and pushing through ideas not nearly as well thought out as those who are quietly sitting back, often afraid to speak up because they have a lower opinion of their own capabilities.

Impostor Syndrome
This is a common affliction that many women in high-powered positions seem to get, which I'm sure a lot of men also have too, but just don't talk about it as much.

I find myself being more modest than I should be and with some serious time for reflection this year, I can see where my expertise has been tucked away from view - even from myself.

This is very likely why I haven't had enough praise to reinforce the fact that I am bloody good at what I do. Some 'unsung hero' modesty is great for gaining respect as nobody likes the show-off but we all need to advertise/market our worth more if we want all the fame and fortune that it can potentially bring us. There are many well known business leaders and famous personalities out there that are constantly living in fear they will be found out for being a fraud.

There are some clever ways that we can deal with these inner Demons. One method is to speak up about these insecurities, which in turn, will help us take control of these fears of being a fraudster and help us to tackle the crippling self-doubt face on.

Exam Preparation

STAY CALM

It's perfectly natural to be nervous before and during a test, especially when we are being watched in a practical exam. It's very easy to get worked up and distracted with the extra pressure of directly and so critically being assessed by someone over your shoulder. Feeling the examiner's gaze whilst picking up on their incessant scribbles, which could either mean success or failure, will definitely play on the nerves.

The thing with these types of exams where you are one on one with an examiner,  success often boils down to how the other person is feeling at that particular moment as much as to how well you are performing. If they are hungry, tired or having a particularly bad day, the chances are they will be reflecting this on you and ultimately your grade could suffer unless you act a certain way that differs their negativity away from you.

The Invisible Man
The important thing in these situations is to make yourself the 'grey' man. That means, trying not to be that person who is singled out as the trouble maker, the cocky, over-confident or arrogant type that needs to be taken down a peg or two. Unfortunately, when you catch an examiner on a bad day, even the usual niceties can rub someone up the wrong way, so it's best to say and do as little as possible to avoid bringing unwarranted attention on oneself before or during an exam. Otherwise, a few curt words from the examiner and the result could be that your performance will be compromised as your nerves kick in to upset what would should have been a grade A, potentially bringing it down to a C or even worse, a fail grade.

Saving Trump Cards

PLAYING THE LONG GAME

When negotiating, defending or justifying a position, we need to hold back some of the big cards for the final play out if we wish to win the game we're playing. It's fine to lead with a couple of big cards if you have them, but you need the other cards to back you up and if they're not there, you'll have to play a little smarter. By holding back and allowing the other player to believe they have the better hand to win the majority of 'tricks', they will get complacent, over-confident that the game is theirs and reveal their plans early - ultimately playing some cards that would have best been saved back themselves.

Showing a defeatist attitude early on is a great tactic for playing trumps. This is also handy in negotiations and for winning against more powerful and confident opponents. I find that revealing the hand towards the end is also a great demotivate tactic for breaking down a bigger, stronger and more confident opponent. Because, when the battle hasn't gone their way, their confidence is quickly to dissipated and the balance of the game can magically turn in your favour.

The Pressure Of Success

UNDER PRESSURE

We all have pressure on us to perform. Having enough pressure on us is a necessity if we want to reach our goals. We need it or we fail to achieve. Too much pressure and we break down. I've seen first hand how hard it can be to recover from having too much pressure applied over long periods and I'm just a regular guy, living a life like most other people. So it's looking at the immense weight that is put on our sports stars and music/film celebrities that's really highlighted how excessive pressure can affect us and how difficult that must be to deal with.

Criticism and Humiliation
Watching the beautifully crafted new films about Paul Gascoigne and Kurt Cobain - we see how self-destructive our most revered talented and driven people can be - especially when exposed to the media and the wider world to see warts and all. One thing I've drawn from this is how fragile the ego is. My partner and I see it in ourselves from time to time - a lower self-esteem. And whether we are under the spotlight from others or having internal inquisitions, we all still have these torments to face up to.

Our image is what we hold firmly on to for identifying with who we are. It's very fragile. Having confidence in our 'self', in our abilities and focussing on strengthening that 'image' is key for personal growth. If we rely on searching elsewhere for acceptance and appreciation, we risk placing the power in the hands of others. Even if they are our friends, family and loved ones. Because, at low points and without self-acceptance, it's the love from others that restores our confidence and identity, when self-compassion needs to come from within. And without having this shallow projection of 'self' re-affirmed, we lose track of it and what we believe we are.

This was certainly true of Kurt Cobain. Rejection and lack of appreciation or acceptance of his intensely creative talents coming from his family, contributed to a mindset that became destructive the more his image and identity was left to the critics and press to tear at. As the pressure mounted, the weakened Cobain turned towards a way out.

Great talents are nurtured in those driven to achieve success, through the right type of pressure. Sometimes this pressure, if mis-directed, becomes too much to withstand and can derail those without strong self-control and compassion from a positive path, to addiction and self destruction. How do some manage better than others to keep their heads?

Touched by the hand of God
Maradona, touched with a real talent for playing football, a crafty intelligence and charisma for dealing with the media, has somehow managed to keep his sanity and health, although being publicly disgraced for drug addiction and cheating. Under immense pressure at periods throughout his career, he never really had the assistance of management or a publicist like today's stars do, yet through all the negative publicity, press and widely seen footage from his darkest days, he has managed to recover from life-threatening addictions and lives a happy family life today - whilst still being revered as one of the greatest players in footballing history and widely recognised for scoring the greatest World Cup goal in 1986. Even strongly confronted with the fact that he cheated England with a hand-ball to score a game-changing goal - he still has no remorse and actually takes pride in his actions. He obviously has very strong self-belief. This I find amazing - as looking back at Paul Gascoigne in Italia World Cup 1990 at a period in English football when the pressure and dreams of success came to a sad end in the Semi-final penalty shoot out with Germany, you can see where this result weighed heavy on the nation's football stars - and very likely, the nation as a whole, even to this day.

I'm not really what you'd call a typical football fan - yet I still get emotional watching (and re-living) the games from the World Cup and the moment when 'the nation so nearly succeeded'. Incredible, the value placed on the outcome from this sporting event and the stars themselves.

In the years that followed, the pressure from the British media, injuries sustained and alcohol self-abuse that Paul endured (and still battles with), have taken him on a dark path. And watching accounts from other successful sports stars like Mike Tyson and George Best - all falling prey to addiction and lost identities - it's revealing to see how important self belief is for protecting ourselves from outside influences and just how damaging our inner demons can be if we don't take control of them.

Self belief for success
Taking action for bolstering our self-esteem, self-confidence and towards creating a tougher shell to better deflect unwanted criticism plus building a virtual volume control switch for muting that destructive inner voice, will make us stronger and more capable for dealing with those down days. It's amazing how something so small can linger in our minds and sub-consciously chip away at our confidence. Practising techniques like those mentioned by Leo Babauta in the link above or some of the helpful others mentioned here in this informative post, can help us to be strong.

The power of knowledge
Something I use daily, for increasing my power of self belief - is to focus on learning. Researching, reading, comparing what I've learned to what I believe as a way to either confirm or re-affirm what I already know or to glean something insightful and empowering anew and add this to my knowledge banks. This increases confidence. I accept my weaknesses and try to learn how I can improve on them. Writing down my learnings and affirmations every day - and using these to refer against, helps me to realise what I have at my disposal and keeps me focussed on increasing my potential and therefore my self-confidence for being better at dealing with pressure.

Accessorise For Happiness

POSITIVE INDICATORS

Happiness is a state of mind. It comes and goes so easily if we allow it to. It can appear after a good night's sleep, manifest after a run or walk in the park, be brought on by a song or even when you put your socks on in the morning. 

I was reminded of something important this morning while slipping on some socks (pictured above) that my girlfriend bought me at a shop in Camden, London called Cyberdog. I hadn't really thought about it before now, but suddenly, as I looked closely, a vivid memory played out clearly in my mind. I was reminded of the day when we got these funky 'equaliser' socks and a very happy smile spread across my face.

It's a bit of a story but bare with me... 

I remember being in one of those 'flat' moods. Usually Camden is a fun and vibrant place for me to hang out. Cyberdog is a crazy place in the famous Stables market, alive with banging trance music and UV lights making everything in the store glow - like in a nightclub. It's fun. I wasn't feeling it. So my girlfriend encouraged me to get these socks. I was so 'flat' that I couldn't appreciate their value at the time. Looking at how tired these socks appear this morning, it's clear they've had a very good run. I've come to love these socks. The other pairs don't really get much of a look in. I really hope I can buy more to replace these older ones because they make me feel happy. So, I'm already planning on going back to Camden this weekend - a bank holiday - and a weekend of fun!

The Point Of This Story

Wearing items of clothing or jewellery that have meaning will remind us of happy times/occasions and places. It will unconsciously trigger happy feelings and boost confidence. And if you make a point of wearing your favourite clothing and accessories in the morning, chances are you'll take a happy vibe with you throughout the rest of the day too. 

The most important realisation that I took from this lesson today....It came to me in the instant when I realised why these socks even existed for me in the first place. An appreciation for the glorious person who brightened my day when we got the socks and has continued to bring happiness in my life every day. Wearing these socks is a reminder of my good fortune. 

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful life partner, girlfriend, co-pilot - my soul mate - someone who can lift me up on a dull day. 

And who could have thought that a pair of socks could bring about such feelings of joy today...!😊

Hear Me Out

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT

I learned something really effective today. How to get an important message across without saying much and how to grab someone's attention and keep it even though what I was saying had little or no value. Both were by the way I said the words and how I presented myself while delivering them. According to Albert Mehrabian and his 7%-38%-55% rule - we have greater impact communicating through tone of voice and even more with facial expressions than with the words themselves.

So, my weather waffle/chat in the coffee shop today received giggles and lots of eye contact - even though I talked complete nonsense, but all delivered with purpose and a cheery smile....which got me a free drink!