John, who I met by chance the other night outside Truro Cathedral, is currently the longest surviving HIV sufferer in the UK.
John has survived a brain haemorrhage, being beaten up (on more than one occasion) and suffered abuse wherever he goes, even from within the gay community itself, mainly, it seems, for publicly speaking out about HIV and Aids. Over the years, he has worked tirelessly for Aids charity organisations and spoke out previously on BBC radio about the lack of funding and general ignorance about this disease. This man, whatever his story and whether he is someone likeable or not, all foibles aside, is a survivor of the highest order.
He has inherited a terminal illness and when being informed that he had just 3 years to live, has stubbornly refused to let this take him to an early grave. Although terminally ill, he has remained alive and active on this planet for 30 years whereas many others have given up and conceded to an earlier fate.
He now has painful aids-related cancer in his body but still manages humour and civility. Meeting with him outside the cathedral in Truro on Thursday night, I was touched by this man's courage in the face of death and his attitude towards living life. No matter that it has been tough and at times very painful, he still holds on to what time he has left and makes the best use of it.
Angry, feeling let down or needing to vent about an injustice that has befallen on you? Customer service numbers are set up for the very purpose of dealing with any complaints we may have and to keep the customer happy.
Turning On The Charm
Some poor soul's daily job, is to deal with a barrage of disgruntled customers that in some way believe they've received a poor service on some level or other. Out of the many people calling to voice their dissatisfaction, not one person is going to phone up and in a friendly voice say, 'I just wanted to tell you how pleased I am with your company's service/product'. It's unlikely that, in their haste to scorn the internet provider/phone network (or whatever they are angry about) service, very few will consider enquiring about the other person's welfare or what they plan for the weekend.
So, if you want to be in the tiny percentage of customers who recognise that another human being is on the other end of the phone / in the store / just doing a job to pay the bills, etc....be civil and nice. Make banter, get their name and start off the conversation with some friendly chit chat - followed by 'I apologise for what follows, as I've got a bit of a gripe about the product/service and I know it's not your fault'. Seehow much better the result is if you make it much easier for the other person to like and actually want to help you get a good result.
A lot of these centres are measured on customer feedback - often with bonuses on positive outcomes. They are the ambassadors for the company after all. If they can offer a solution to retain a customer - and even encourage that customer to praise the service in a survey (they normally ask how likely you are to recommend to a family/friend) - they get job satisfaction and we get a good result.
I have managed to turn around quite a few situations to my favour by being charming. With banks and mobile phone customer services complaints, I've even managed to get money back, bills reduced and extra benefits thrown in. Often too - the call had gone so well that I've even managed to get direct extension numbers and email addresses not usually given out to the general public, all making future customer service enquiries even easier to deal with.
The bottom line is...remember to pull in your emotions. Detach yourself from the issue and connect with the person on the other end of a phone. Job satisfaction is the biggest motivator in any place of work. Give yourself the best chance of success by encouraging others to deliver and therefore allow both parties to get what they want with a satisfying smile at the end of the call.
We all have pressure on us to perform. Having enough pressure on us is a necessity if we want to reach our goals. We need it or we fail to achieve. Too much pressure and we break down. I've seen first hand how hard it can be to recover from having too much pressure applied over long periods and I'm just a regular guy, living a life like most other people. So it's looking at the immense weight that is put on our sports stars and music/film celebrities that's really highlighted how excessive pressure can affect us and how difficult that must be to deal with.
Criticism and Humiliation
Watching the beautifully crafted new films about Paul Gascoigne and Kurt Cobain - we see how self-destructive our most revered talented and driven people can be - especially when exposed to the media and the wider world to see warts and all. One thing I've drawn from this is how fragile the ego is. My partner and I see it in ourselves from time to time - a lower self-esteem. And whether we are under the spotlight from others or having internal inquisitions, we all still have these torments to face up to.
Our image is what we hold firmly on to for identifying with who we are. It's very fragile. Having confidence in our 'self', in our abilities and focussing on strengthening that 'image' is key for personal growth. If we rely on searching elsewhere for acceptance and appreciation, we risk placing the power in the hands of others. Even if they are our friends, family and loved ones. Because, at low points and without self-acceptance, it's the love from others that restores our confidence and identity, when self-compassion needs to come from within. And without having this shallow projection of 'self' re-affirmed, we lose track of it and what we believe we are.
This was certainly true of Kurt Cobain. Rejection and lack of appreciation or acceptance of his intensely creative talents coming from his family, contributed to a mindset that became destructive the more his image and identity was left to the critics and press to tear at. As the pressure mounted, the weakened Cobain turned towards a way out.
Great talents are nurtured in those driven to achieve success, through the right type of pressure. Sometimes this pressure, if mis-directed, becomes too much to withstand and can derail those without strong self-control and compassion from a positive path, to addiction and self destruction. How do some manage better than others to keep their heads?
Touched by the hand of God
Maradona, touched with a real talent for playing football, a crafty intelligence and charisma for dealing with the media, has somehow managed to keep his sanity and health, although being publicly disgraced for drug addiction and cheating. Under immense pressure at periods throughout his career, he never really had the assistance of management or a publicist like today's stars do, yet through all the negative publicity, press and widely seen footage from his darkest days, he has managed to recover from life-threatening addictions and lives a happy family life today - whilst still being revered as one of the greatest players in footballing history and widely recognised for scoring the greatest World Cup goal in 1986. Even strongly confronted with the fact that he cheated England with a hand-ball to score a game-changing goal - he still has no remorse and actually takes pride in his actions. He obviously has very strong self-belief. This I find amazing - as looking back at Paul Gascoigne in Italia World Cup 1990 at a period in English football when the pressure and dreams of success came to a sad end in the Semi-final penalty shoot out with Germany, you can see where this result weighed heavy on the nation's football stars - and very likely, the nation as a whole, even to this day.
I'm not really what you'd call a typical football fan - yet I still get emotional watching (and re-living) the games from the World Cup and the moment when 'the nation so nearly succeeded'. Incredible, the value placed on the outcome from this sporting event and the stars themselves.
In the years that followed, the pressure from the British media, injuries sustained and alcohol self-abuse that Paul endured (and still battles with), have taken him on a dark path. And watching accounts from other successful sports stars like Mike Tyson and George Best - all falling prey to addiction and lost identities - it's revealing to see how important self belief is for protecting ourselves from outside influences and just how damaging our inner demons can be if we don't take control of them.
Self belief for success
Taking action for bolstering our self-esteem, self-confidence and towards creating a tougher shell to better deflect unwanted criticism plus building a virtual volume control switch for muting that destructive inner voice, will make us stronger and more capable for dealing with those down days. It's amazing how something so small can linger in our minds and sub-consciously chip away at our confidence. Practising techniques like those mentioned by Leo Babauta in the link above or some of the helpful others mentioned here in this informative post, can help us to be strong.
The power of knowledge
Something I use daily, for increasing my power of self belief - is to focus on learning. Researching, reading, comparing what I've learned to what I believe as a way to either confirm or re-affirm what I already know or to glean something insightful and empowering anew and add this to my knowledge banks. This increases confidence. I accept my weaknesses and try to learn how I can improve on them. Writing down my learnings and affirmations every day - and using these to refer against, helps me to realise what I have at my disposal and keeps me focussed on increasing my potential and therefore my self-confidence for being better at dealing with pressure.
We all have it in us to be life savers and look out for those in need of rescue. It just takes a bit of awareness to really see when someone needs help and willingness for action help when we can. It's all about the act of being on one's guard and looking out for others' safety & wellbeing.
Caring for another's wellbeing is what our parents have naturally always done. We in turn have a duty to protect our ageing parents and look out for our siblings and the rest of the family. In marriage, it's written into the contract of matrimony to look out for one another 'til death do us part. It's an expected responsibility in everyone's life, to give help where it's needed.
On Point
In military terms, someone 'On Point' means they are at the front line of combat. They are the first to come under enemy fire and need to be in a heightened state of awareness in order to 'get the backs' of their fellows. Their job is ultimately to protect and hold their position.
Badge of Honour
There's obvious situations when this role is called for, ie. when there's potential danger or when specialist skills are required that some are better equipped to draw on than others. But there are other situations where an unexpected event has occurred and a life saving duty is required. If there's a 'man down', someone has to step-up and 'be the metal' - the life saver. It's an honourable thing to do - often taken instinctively without thoughts for one's own wellbeing. Military heroes take action in these defining moments because they have the extra resources to do what needs to be done and can act on them when it's realised others do not and will suffer. These acts are rewarded with medals.
Unsung Hero
Life saving instances are not just witnessed on the front line of battle in military scenarios, they are all around us in every day situations. It's found at work and in relationships but rarely is it seen in the same light as in the military. There are no medals. 'Having someone's back' behaviours are often played out in everyday life without any recognition. Someone might just be termed as extra helpful, reliable or dependable. This in itself, can be a badge of great honour but it can become a burden as some will take advantage of this noble characteristic. Therefore, making it clearly known when actions are being taken for protecting/saving or defending a person/position are taken, is arguably the best approach to take. Speaking up a bit more often can bring better recognition. This will benefit us in the workplace and in our relationships because there's a measure of our worth in these acts. Otherwise, the unsung hero just gets exploited.
Life saving roles can become the expected norm in certain environments & relationships. This leads to dependency. Just like in the military, using our resources to play out the hero role for sustained periods can be draining. So when the resources are eventually depleted, the only recognition received could be from those dependant on us, merely criticising when the life saving demands are not met!
On Duty
If we look at the military as an example. When the duties of soldiers working together in unison to better serve and protect each other in battle are shared. Swapping 'battle' for 'life' and soldiers for colleagues/partners or loved ones and adopting a military mindset for taking on tough challenges in life, we can also better manage our resources. If we understand our strengths, we can adopt the role needed to pull the group through in times of need. Likewise, if we have a partner that has the resources available when we are down - knowing that role can be taken to protect and hold the position for a time, means we've both got each other's backs.
I Got This!
We all have times when we're not performing at our best. Tired, hungry or stressed out - potential clashes in a relationship can create further distress and compound a difficult situation, especially if all concerned are below par. This is where the hero steps up!
This simple statement, 'I got this' - has had such an important impact on the health of our relationship. Using this phrase, has become adopted as part of our ongoing game of life and something which works wonders in all taxing encounters. My partner and I will recognise when a fraught situation is imminent and one of us will step-up and say 'I got this!'.
Firstly, what this means is that a game has been instated. This game scenario immediately diffuses the tension and can in itself be enough to pull one or both of us through. Secondly, it helps by self-rewarding the hero who has come forward. Thirdly, it calms the weakest in the group, because they know everything is taken care of until their resources are replenished once again. And lastly, it re-affirms the partnership because it's known that each is serving their duty to the other and confirmation there's always going to be someone watching their back!
With the internet here in this modern age, we have even greater power to connect & communicate with practically anyone from across the globe. It's become so easy to converse using an email. Quite often, this is the best way to get something down in words to be kept as reference so communication can be looked back on at a later date.
This is why dealing with insurance companies, councils or anything official like the tax office or DVLA etc. email is the best form of communication - because that's how they work... systematically. But, for really getting the best out of people, it's much better to meet face to face. greater percentage of what we say, is picked up in body language, facial expressions and tone - with the content taken last. Essentially, it's not what we say, but how we say it. Looking someone in the eye, shaking their hand and being affirmative, polite, friendly... these are all things that are best done in person. It's still how we really make the best connections. For the next best thing - we should pick up the phone.
Happy Talk
We all try our best to get a decent days work done. Some of us are fortunate to have a job we really enjoy - but for the majority, it just pays the bills. So, if you want to get a positive result, call someone and start off by asking how their day is. Be friendly and inquisitive - ask where they are based? Enquire about their surroundings - is it sunny where they are? Talk about the weekend if it's just passed/approaching - and be charming. Make a better connection by sharing the environment across the phone and it will seem like there's no distance between you. If you are are on first name terms, use theirs frequently to make a connection early on. After a bit of chit-chat, put to them your conundrum/problem/request... and make it easier for them to want to help you out. Chances are, if you have an issue with the services this company provide - you won't be the only person who's called with an issue that day and hearing a moaning voice can get everyone down. So stay upbeat as much as you can and stand out as a positive person who they want to focus their best intentions on.
Be Bold
The same can be said about speaking with someone if you are the giver of bad news. An email is not the right delivery method for letting someone down - just as a text is wrong for letting someone go in a relationship. If you can't do it face to face, be bold and pick up the phone. Give the person on the other end a chance to take in the news, vent a bit of frustration and come to terms with the situation. The call can always be shortened by saying that you wanted to pass on the news personally. A follow up email will have all the specifics in it for them to read over afterwards.
Keeping Records Of The Conversations
If it's ever necessary to record a phone call, to use as reference at a later date - a really handy way of doing this is to use iPadio. If the talk is in person and you want it to remain a secret that you're recording the chat, use TSA. Both are available on iPhone and Android.
I hada role reversal yesterday. I was the one trying to fit in, impress without seeming too cocky but confident at the same time - trying not to step out of line or be too familiar, so I could be asked back again and be included in the gang. It was not intended that I take a role reversal, but here I am with the boot on the other foot so to speak. I've taken a lesson from it all the same as I see a bit of myself in this other personality that I have to please.
First Impressions
Being in charge. It's difficult getting the balance right - trying to give off a level of authority in a friendly, approachable way so as not to seem rude, condescending or too demanding. The same goes for the other person. Taking on the opposite role of someone running the show can be useful. It usually comes down to those very first impressions, so it's important to get this bit right at the start. Sometimes though, no matter what you do, there is just no winning that person over and it's often just down to a misunderstanding or clash of personalities.
Being able to put yourself in a position to look at things from a different perspective, will enable you to see how tricky it is to fit in and succeed in some environments. A smart way to win people over is to understand their personality types. If you can identify their stress points and play to their needs and desires - people will be a lot easier to please and win over.
There's many times when a compromise will be the best scenario for keeping the peace/balance. However, we can't please everyone all the time by finding a middle ground and why should we if nobody gets what they really want? There's no point living by half measures!
My partner and I are pretty well aligned in our goals and have a level of ambition that benefits both in our decisions for achieving results. However, even those in the most harmonious partnerships will have their individual preferences and objectives that don't perfectly align - as will those making collaborations with friends, colleagues and other circles we move in. The fact of the matter is - we can't live meaningful existences if we're always making compromises. We have to play out our lives with integrity, which means being true to ourselves and others about what we want. In a relationship, this can be something as fundamental as making a decision whether or not to have children. It can also be taken down to a micro-level. ie. making decisions on food/drink, sleep, social & time spent doing essential tasks or the things that entertain or benefit us physically/mentally. And, providing we accept that each needs to allow the other to have what makes them happy, we can still be together, aligned to our paths and mutually happy.
Collaboration
Considering the needs of others is essential for success, even for those who act with extreme single-mindedness. Goal seekers/winners and high achievers can alienate themselves by ignoring the needs of others. It can be a lonely place. And without understanding that there are alternative viewpoints, there can be no measure of success. Because, working towards goals needs a reference point to start from. Connecting with others to establish a footing on progress - works either as a springboard for reinforcing one's own resolve, or as a way to present and learn a different and at times equally beneficial or better way for achieving what we all want. So collaboration is essential - as long as the result ensures both have a winning solution at the end.
