The Inner Child

THE STUBBORN AND REBELLIOUS ONE

The ego is an identity of our own construction which states our beliefs and abilities. And just as a small child will seek solace to diminish fears, our anxieties expressed through the inner voice, will manifest attachments to the ego, which given the power to dictate who we are, create emotional turmoil in our lives.

We build up our ego from birth. It is implanted within us by our mother/care givers, our peers and society. We have a need to fit in and conform with those around us. It's a process of finding the right way and it's not easy to accomplish. That's why we all struggle with our ego and are prone to inner conflict when we follow our false centre rather than become more attuned to our truer self.

Through ongoing skilful and compassionate mindfulness, understanding where our strengths lie and our weaknesses hide, we can live a meaningful existence in harmony, without being controlled by the ego. We hold on to the ego too firmly, allowing it to take over in many aspects of our lives, especially when we come up against another's ego and their ever-controlling needs. How do we manage and adapt our ego so we're better equipped for dealing with the ego-centric world around us?

There are many tools and studies that help highlight our characteristics, preferences and personality 'types'. There are tests that can be taken online, books to be read and a past for us to delve into where we can identify why we are the people we are now, how we got there and if this adult we've become is the best we can be.

Adult Life - Like A Playground
A fascinating programme on Channel 4 called: The secret lives of 4,5,6 year old's offers us a great insight into a child's growth over a two week period, where we observe their ability to fit within a group and form friendships. Playing at Big Brother, we can see these little people in their early stages of development, witnessing their struggles to comprehend the complex interplay of relationships. In them, we in turn can all recognise the issues we had to face as children, and as adults, have either become more successful at dealing with over time or are still wrestling with these same complex issues. This dilemma, will either be through our lack of applied learning or an inability for us to even recognise and take better control of these traits in ourselves.

Taking A View From Third Person Perspective
I could see patterns in a few of these children that resonated with me - and issues that maybe weren't addressed as well at the time or have become so ingrained into my personality, that I need to give more focus now as an adult in order to better understand myself and improve how I interact with other people. In effect, sefl-observations like this process followed over an extended timeframe, make my ego more flexible/adaptable, to better fit in with the needs of others.

From just watching a few minutes of this TV show, I began to identify with situations some of the kids were going through. The show made me laugh at times but I felt uncomfortable and even quite sad at other points in the show. I really felt for these kids and rooted for them to find the right answers to make them happy. Some of the traits they have and are dealing with – are traits I still carry with me to this day and will be the same for many others still living out their childhood. For example:

- I remember not wanting to be in a group and feeling uncomfortable doing things that I did not already know about or had checked out myself first beforehand and knew them to be okay.
I am very independent, still hold back from groups and will quickly revert to doing my own thing.
- I was an introverted and imaginative child. I preferred to play alone with Lego, creating symmetrical and complex structures. I would fight anyone who tried to take Lego pieces and refused to share them with other kids.
I still conceive solitary ideas, making my own designs and developing concepts which I then struggle to share – and find it difficult when taking suggestions/input/criticism from others.
- I can join in, but on my own terms and still struggle to play along to someone else's rules.
I will always have an out – and prefer to do it my way (which is always the best way in my opinion).
- I lack compassion and struggle to show empathy towards others, as I prefer solitary play.
I will back away from emotional situations/confrontations and find it difficult to identify with my own emotions. I lack the ability to catch feelings & emotions before they attach themselves to a situation and develop into a mood or physical manifestations.
- I'm fiercely competitive - and will get an edge any way I can.
I always follow a pre-thought-out plan and maintain a cunning mindset in order to beat the system and anybody who gets in my way with everything I do - this permeates through every waking moment - even down to trivialities like how I get a privileged position on the tube in the rush hour.
- I have boundless energy, will play hard with others and fight back when encountering an equal.
I grew up on a council estate, I've fought bullies and learned to fight back from an early age so as not to let anyone take advantage of me. This has created someone who can't let go easily. But I do manage to command respect and will give it back to those who show it to me.

Personality Types
As well as recognising these above character traits, just from seeing parallels in some of the situations the kids experienced on the TV show - I also have the Myers Briggs model to measure against, showing preferences towards: INTJ, INTP, ENTJ or ENTP - depending on the day and with whom I take the test with.

In a team situation, according to Meredith Belbin, I also have a Completer-Finisher mindset. This makes me a taskmaster both to myself and directed at colleagues, rendering me unwilling to delegate or take criticism from others, at times appearing absent-minded or having a lack of concern about taking breaks or letting-up on pressure for the rest of the team to achieve goals I've set.

According to another set of personality studies, I also fit a type 'A' personality profile, which means I'm all kinds of bad, including; lacking in compassion, über-competitive and always trying to fit too much in, hence prone to stress, bouts of hostility and potentially an early death, through stress-related issues like high blood pressure! On top of this, I have a sense of duty and a fear of failure - meaning I feel the need to look out for others, fighting additional battles to sort things out and taking on extra responsibilities - leaving me depleted and socially withdrawn.

If we want to go even further, another ancient system for personality identification, is the Enneagram of Personality model. There are different schools of thought among Enneagram teachers and so their ideas on some of the theoretical aspects of this system are not always in agreement and the theories are therefore open to interpretation. However, I seem to be strongly aligned to number '8' 'The Challenger'. This has a bizarrely accurate resonance with me - and therein contains the potential for both heroic acts at it's peak and sociopathic traits at the lowest level!

The Rebellious Type - First Born
Birth order affects the outcome of personality too. I'm the first born. This would have been a stressful situation for my parents as they learned to be parents, and stressful for me to find my way. At 4 1/2, my brother's birth would have been a shock and a downgrading of my position as the sole child. This would have had many levels of psychological impact on me and my position in the family. Frank Sulloway, author of Born to Rebel states: A real rebel doesn't only have problems with authority figures (like boss, teacher, parents, police). A real rebel has problems with everyone, including his or her lover, friends and strangers. And a real rebel also has trouble with himself, which expresses itself as self-destruction.

Not Looking Good - Or Is It?
So I'm a stubborn, introverted rebel, lacking in compassion or empathy. OR, I learn to explore the other side of my psyche - investing more energy and time in the parts of my personality that are lesser-known or utilised and through dedicated and focused practice, make concerted efforts to build a more robust and balanced personality and more flexible ego for better dealing, not only with myself but for interacting with the world around me. This is something we could all do more of. Habits can be unlearned and virtues can be practised. 

This point marks a breakthrough date along a focussed path of self-discovery. It's taken me 339 days to get here and I'm now better equipped to continue my journey with a clearer view on the horizon of where I choose to go next.

Left & Right Brain

SPLIT PERSONALITIES

We are cross-wired. That means, our right side of the body is controlled by the left hemisphere of the brain and vica-versa.

The left brain is widely associated with being the verbal, sorting and details orientated side - and in a high percentage of cases, mostly utilised by females the majority of the time. Whereas, the spatial & physical intuitive side - the preferred side for the male. It's often stated that men and women are wired differently - and looking at the properties that the two sides specialise in, we can see where in many instances, there are truths in how men/women think. But everybody is different and we all have preferences learned or habits formed that only fully utilise some parts of the brain and less so of other parts. This horizon BBC documentary challenges all the stereotypes and signifies that these preferences and habits can be changed.

The two sides of the brain were first identified by neurobiologist Roger Wolcott Sperry, to operate independently for utilising opposite sides of the body by experiments carried out on cats and patients in the 60/70's of which he was to win the Nobel Prize. In his words:

Each hemisphere is indeed a conscious system in its own right, perceiving, thinking, remembering, reasoning, willing, and emoting, all at a characteristically human level, and . . . both the left and the right hemisphere may be conscious simultaneously in different, even in mutually conflicting, mental experiences that run along in parallel." —Roger Wolcott Sperry, 1974

This tells us that not only can both sides of the brain work independently, but they can also deceive each other as well. Our right brain, for example, when taking something in the left hand, can fool the left brain. It is believed that the left brain is our more 'conscious' side. This could be really interesting for those using a fork to eat in the left hand as opposed to the right. In situations where tiredness, intoxication or distraction (talking while eating late at a dinner party) could slow down the left (linguistic and more conscious) brain and therefore result in overindulgence.

To learn a bit more about which side of our brains we draw on the most - take the test here.

Another Perspective

PUT YOURSELF IN ANOTHER'S SHOES

I had a role reversal yesterday. I was the one trying to fit in, impress without seeming too cocky but confident at the same time - trying not to step out of line or be too familiar, so I could be asked back again and be included in the gang. It was not intended that I take a role reversal, but here I am with the boot on the other foot so to speak. I've taken a lesson from it all the same as I see a bit of myself in this other personality that I have to please. 

First Impressions

Being in charge. It's difficult getting the balance right - trying to give off a level of authority in a friendly, approachable way so as not to seem rude, condescending or too demanding. The same goes for the other person. Taking on the opposite role of someone running the show can be useful. It usually comes down to those very first impressions, so it's important to get this bit right at the start. Sometimes though, no matter what you do, there is just no winning that person over and it's often just down to a misunderstanding or clash of personalities.

Being able to put yourself in a position to look at things from a different perspective, will enable you to see how tricky it is to fit in and succeed in some environments. A smart way to win people over is to understand their personality types. If you can identify their stress points and play to their needs and desires - people will be a lot easier to please and win over.

Getting In Touch With Your Softer Side

KEEPING A BALANCE

I was talking about beating yourself up yesterday - and how in extreme cases, it can lead to depression. Guys really are finding it tough to express a 'softer' side to their personality, it seems. Talking with a colleague about the role we still mostly play as protector and provider in a family unit (we all know the women are the true leaders in the relationship lol), just yesterday. It's obviously a generalisation - but we agreed men may place high expectations or themselves or have them projected on them by their family and partners. In his case, with two young daughters, he's very much seen (from his perspective) as the strong dad type. He has a lot of pressure to deliver daily in the work place - and he's got pressure from his family and his own inner voice. And apart from those rare 'shed' moments, there's not really a time or a place he can go for reflection and to let it all go. I'm talking about a man retreat. Women have spa days/weekends together, yoga retreats, meet up for coffee/lunch and have magazines that focus on wellbeing - I'm sure there's a whole lot more where they can get support. When I get together with my friends (with a couple of exceptions), it's usually  focussed around alcohol, no food and apart from a courtesy Q: 'how's it going?' A: 'yeah, good, you?' – there's very little discussion on how we're really feeling - the topic's actually frowned upon. I suspect the reason there's not been a successful man retreat is because we are too scared to admit 'weakness'. If you're reading this and know of one - please mail me...

So regarding balance. I picked up Psychologies Magazine yesterday. It was sitting out of place with all the marketing mags and newspapers (typical reads for the type of job I work in). It's very obviously targeted at women (pictures and colours) but the content is sound reading for everyone. The article I read (see link above), re-affirmed at the end what I'm now doing daily - writing everything down. I'm a graphic designer by trade - and I liked the look of the mag. I'm not a fan of gossip mags necessarily but I often flick through Stylist and I work daily on the design & layouts for other mags read predominantly by women. I'm a big fan of the colours pink and yellow and will get a bit of ribbing from my mates about this. What's the big deal? I figure it's the association to more 'feminine' colours and therefore showing a softer side, that puts other guys on edge.

Personality Types
There's nothing wrong with being a well rounded individual. I find that my personality preferences can make me a bit direct at times and I can come across a bit tough. I certainly look a bit menacing anyway, so I try and keep my appearance 'lighter'. I mix it up by wearing colour and going to my emotional and feeling sides of the brain on a regular basis by reading, watching films and generally asking people how they are - taking a bit of time to genuinely listen and emphasise with their feelings. I found it helpful knowing more about different personality types - and how to talk & work with others or adjust your own traits to be more in-tune to others - maybe giving yourself a couple of variants so you're not always going back to the typical behaviours. There's a free test online - well worth doing (find a couple of other tests to double-check the results). It becomes much easier to see the benefits and pitfalls that affect your mood based on your personality preferences – and could help you achieve a more balanced way of thinking...