A Dedication To My Inspiration

AN INSPIRATION

Many things have come together over time to inspire me on this path. There have been dear friends like Dean who have been my spiritual guide and teacher for a long time. I've had his guidance gifted in a way that I could accept without being cynical. Geoff Thompson, who, via Dean, has been a generous teacher - holding up a mirror to my face, for grasping the truths that have been right under my nose - seen but not actioned until now. My work situation over the last six years has been my main conduit for change and the tragic ending to 2014 my call to action.

Not Forgotten
Toby Allnut was just 40 years old when he took his life. It was a tragic coming at a the end of a particularly tough year in my place of work, News UK. The date has a lot of significance for me as I'd just returned from a much needed break and this first day back at work, cemented my commitment from that day forward, the need for creating a new life for myself. While I had been away on this holiday, I'd acknowledged how my depleted my mojo was and how lost my soul had become. I recognised in myself where my lack of enthusiasm, almost non-existent empathy and depleted desire for doing anything, was causing a potential spiral away from my true self.

The fact that it had taken this long for me to see what had been right in front of my face for so long - and the inability to make the changes that were needed for this new path, was a revelation. It had only come while I had some time to myself for reflection and headspace for hatching plans for the new year.

Coming home to this tragedy - the death of a well liked man seen by all as very happy go lucky - with everything seemingly going well for him, was a clear indication of how some people are beyond seeing the problems before it's too late. For me, the similarities between me and Toby were a wake up call for action. I hadn't fallen to far, but I was definitely getting dragged down slowly and surely into a darker place, which may have manifested in a breakdown, illness or worse in months or years to come.

Out Of Control
A friend of mine came home to a note saying 'Leave your job - or I leave you'. It was from his wife who had seen his character and mood change for the worse. He couldn't see tnhe changes in himself and didn't leave his job. But a few days after, when he woke on a beach wearing his suit, he realised that his mind was out of control. He didn't remember getting to the beach nor why he was there - but his worrying belief, which surfaced some days after, was that he was going to walk into the sea. He immediately left his job and hasn't really worked since in the same realms - ie. a high paced and stressful environment. He's had to find other ways to pay the bills.

This friend's story has been yet another inspiration and realisation for me that without proper help or support from friends, family and loved ones - something a lot of people don't have available to them....especially single men, we can all lose control of our lives and not even our even knowing it.

So, thank you to all my inspirations - especially you Toby - I could have missed my calling or given it just a fraction of the dedication that it really needed. You won't be forgotten.

Helping Friends

BACK TO NORMALITY

We all like to enjoy cutting loose from time to time. It's great to hook up with friends to get in the party mood and that's pretty much what this summer has been all about. But when we're in a relationship or have kids and we have work priorities to deal with, there will need to be some reining in, in order to function at an acceptable level. Having responsibilities is what keeps us in check.

Some of our single friends, without kids or even without the restraints of a serious job, will be getting out of control more than they should be. It can be a good time for so long before it becomes a problem. Because, without a significant other around to rein us in, it's up to our close friends to step up and re-align us to a more balanced lifestyle.

The tricky bit is to keep the fun side to the relationship going whilst also introducing some new routines, healthy lifestyle options and some responsible ideals and goals that will engage their attention enough to pull them back to normality but this is where true friendship comes to play. Single mates may be seen to be having more fun, but a lot are just looking for that special 'one' so may feel missed out as the only single in the group of friends, therefore we should be mindful of their happiness and give them more support.

Getting In Touch With Your Softer Side

KEEPING A BALANCE

I was talking about beating yourself up yesterday - and how in extreme cases, it can lead to depression. Guys really are finding it tough to express a 'softer' side to their personality, it seems. Talking with a colleague about the role we still mostly play as protector and provider in a family unit (we all know the women are the true leaders in the relationship lol), just yesterday. It's obviously a generalisation - but we agreed men may place high expectations or themselves or have them projected on them by their family and partners. In his case, with two young daughters, he's very much seen (from his perspective) as the strong dad type. He has a lot of pressure to deliver daily in the work place - and he's got pressure from his family and his own inner voice. And apart from those rare 'shed' moments, there's not really a time or a place he can go for reflection and to let it all go. I'm talking about a man retreat. Women have spa days/weekends together, yoga retreats, meet up for coffee/lunch and have magazines that focus on wellbeing - I'm sure there's a whole lot more where they can get support. When I get together with my friends (with a couple of exceptions), it's usually  focussed around alcohol, no food and apart from a courtesy Q: 'how's it going?' A: 'yeah, good, you?' – there's very little discussion on how we're really feeling - the topic's actually frowned upon. I suspect the reason there's not been a successful man retreat is because we are too scared to admit 'weakness'. If you're reading this and know of one - please mail me...

So regarding balance. I picked up Psychologies Magazine yesterday. It was sitting out of place with all the marketing mags and newspapers (typical reads for the type of job I work in). It's very obviously targeted at women (pictures and colours) but the content is sound reading for everyone. The article I read (see link above), re-affirmed at the end what I'm now doing daily - writing everything down. I'm a graphic designer by trade - and I liked the look of the mag. I'm not a fan of gossip mags necessarily but I often flick through Stylist and I work daily on the design & layouts for other mags read predominantly by women. I'm a big fan of the colours pink and yellow and will get a bit of ribbing from my mates about this. What's the big deal? I figure it's the association to more 'feminine' colours and therefore showing a softer side, that puts other guys on edge.

Personality Types
There's nothing wrong with being a well rounded individual. I find that my personality preferences can make me a bit direct at times and I can come across a bit tough. I certainly look a bit menacing anyway, so I try and keep my appearance 'lighter'. I mix it up by wearing colour and going to my emotional and feeling sides of the brain on a regular basis by reading, watching films and generally asking people how they are - taking a bit of time to genuinely listen and emphasise with their feelings. I found it helpful knowing more about different personality types - and how to talk & work with others or adjust your own traits to be more in-tune to others - maybe giving yourself a couple of variants so you're not always going back to the typical behaviours. There's a free test online - well worth doing (find a couple of other tests to double-check the results). It becomes much easier to see the benefits and pitfalls that affect your mood based on your personality preferences – and could help you achieve a more balanced way of thinking...