Being Kind To Yourself

INTERNAL BATTLES

I talked yesterday about the benefits of exercise and how the voice that berates me if I am lazy or weak willed (the same voice telling me to get up at 5am this morning) - can motivate me to get on with doing the tasks that are usually out of my comfort zone. This same voice can at times, turn out to be a bit of a bully and rather than motivate, put me in a state of anxiety.

My colleague and friend, who has been my right hand man at work for 5 years, has finally made the brave move to get another job. He's excited and jubilant after tackling his fears of moving from a fairly well paid and somewhat protected job that he can do well easily but anxious about his capabilities for taking on a new job with greater responsibilities. He hardly slept the night before handing in his notice and he's likely going to have a few more anxious nights over the coming month. He's 29 and doesn't have the same confidence (bordering on arrogance) that I had at that age and possibly hasn't taken the same risks I had by that time to give him a more self confidence. The good thing though, is that he talked to me about his fears yesterday and I was able to give him a bit of a boost and impart some of my wisdom to support his fragile ego to help tackle his fears and self doubt. This is fairly unusual behaviour for guys - especially in the older ones. Because we tend to brush off our problems, internalise them and pretend we're alright when we're clearly not.

Lately, there's been a few instances of men I know, in their mid 30's to early 40's, having a breakdown or worse. It's statistically known as the most depressing time of the year. Two people I knew through work, have taken their own lives in the past two weeks and I've just heard that my tenant tried to take his own life just yesterday. It also turns out, my good friend (I'll call him J) who I met up with recently, has just come back from a dark place too - but he was willing to talk about his feelings with my partner and I and seems to be managing his demons. These are all healthy males, three of them with children and J has considerable financial wealth and seemingly good life & friends.

It's not the rule for everyone - but the internal problems these guys are suffering compared to those very real experiences suffered by the two women I watched in the Happy and Heart films (genocide and facial disfigurement) are completely different cases, but whereas these women have survived and are happy to be alive in the face of adversity, two of these men are dead and a third was luckily rescued from the same fate - by an intuitive woman it turns out... What is going on?! Could these guys have been helped more through talking about their problems - possibly.

I believe men in general need to get in the 21st century. We're out of date and a bit lost - unable to really use our hunter gather or protector skills anymore - and still expected to be emotionally strong and 'dust ourselves off' when the shit goes down. When guys get together, we do not say how much we love each other as friends – there's no nice message in cards on birthdays or emails offering encouragement when there's a new job or going on a first date. We aren't encouraged to cry at a sad film or talk about our fears over a pint. We are generally basic in our needs but we're just as emotionally dependent as females. However, without a clearly defined male role like those of our Khoisan hunter-gatherer cousins from Namibia – and no support, we're at the mercy of our internal voices. I know this because I regularly beat myself up and if you're a guy reading this - you know it too.

Man Up
Or 'grow some balls' - phrases that I use and I've heard women use too as a way to put a 'stiff upper lip' on a tough situation. This is not always possible and in fact, not addressing these issues early could mean they'll come back and haunt you at a later time. If you think you are depressed or know someone that is, reach out to them and offer some support. This is particularly true in relationship matters - often the guy will be expected to 'deal with it', whereas the girls will support one another much better throughout the separation. Often, if you're not in a very positive place, helping others around you - empathising and charitable deeds - can be a way to make you feel better too and give you an appreciation for what you have in life. I'm going to give some money to the first homeless person I see today, call my depressed tenant for a chat and send a message to my somewhat lost friend to offer him some love and encouragement.

Here's a leaflet on men and depression....